Dark Paradise
by nothing-chan
Summary: But Feliciano understood the minute the hands against his face went from mouse like to stiff and calloused, taking up the whole compass of his cheek, cupping the small totem easily. The boy slammed his eyes shut, breathing rapidly, so afraid of the voice now inches from him, smooth as marble and as strong as a steel bullet. "You loved me, but it's not me anymore, it's him."


_Dark Paradise - Lana Del Rey_

* * *

"Hey, Lovino…. I'm going to go to bed…"

Lovino turned, face a mix of incredulity and splashes of stray sauce, "What do you mean, we haven't even finished dinner yet?"

"Yes, going to bed without dinner, how unlike you Feli," Francis sipped delicately out of his wine glass, watching the cowering figure from over the rim.

"I-I know… I'm just tired…" Feliciano was frightened, more so when the three of them made no movement, all watching him, towering giants of familial concern in the mess of bubbling pots and pans.

"Feli, you don't look so good, are you feeling okay?" Antonio stepped forward, resting his stifling palm against the boy's pale forehead, "You feel a little warm."

"Yeah, I'm okay, I promise," his smile was a waiver of flimsy sorts, a slight whisper of the grin usually painted across his cheeks, "I'll just get an early sleep tonight and eat twice as much tomorrow!"

Lovino shoved the blood red ladle into Antonio's hands, stepping forward, cornering his timorous brother, eyebrows forked in suspicion. "Feliciano-"

The impending interrogation was interrupted with a shatter, as Francis' wine glass exploded against the ground, glass shards traversing the dulled tile floor.

"Oops," he bent down to collect the shimmering talismans into his hand, seemingly unfazed, unlike the others standing above him.

"Francis, what the hell?" Lovino screeched, stepping toward the mess, before backtracking in cognizance of his bare feet.

"You go to bed Feli; we'll take care of this." The way Francis smiled up at him, tumultuous eyes speaking volumes from crouched to the floor, lips screaming understanding through their closed position, made Feliciano's skin redden and his fingers tear at the cuticles of his nails.

"Okay, goodnight." He was out of the room before Lovino had time to react, grasp full of lethal shards, form a miffed ball.

"Why on Earth would you even do that?" Francis paused in his effort of cleaning, brushing small particles of reflection off of his pants.

"It's the anniversary of him dying."

The kitchen fell into silence as the now burnt sauce cemented to the bottom of the pot.

* * *

It was not staying asleep that was laborious, it was drifting into unconsciousness that was difficult, and Feliciano counted the panels on his ceiling for the thousandth time as his fingers curled into the acrid sheets stuck to his humid body. He wanted to sleep, he wanted to sleep, he wanted to sleep, he could not sleep, he just wanted to sleep.

Crawling into a snowdrift and drowning yourself in ice would have been less painful than this, floating on top of a bed of lava, skin searing from the bone, would have been preferable to this, this feeling, this balance between his world and reality, a borderline crawl that needed one gust of wind to teeter the antitheses. It was a tug of war between two things that threatened to crush Feliciano whole, dragging a serrated rope across his stomach as he let out a soft sigh of desperate tones.

It was like being on the threshold of something great, like making love to someone and being on the point of absolute, perfect togetherness, grasping onto anything that could help you tip over the edge and into the featureless abyss of euphoria just within your grasp. But no matter what Feliciano did, he could not take the plunge, could not get his mind to quiet and listen, just listen to him for a minute, and understand that he needed to sleep, he needed to go there now, into the chasm of bliss.

The clock outside chimed midnight and he felt his chest deflate, head congested with held back emotion. He could cry, but that would just make him wake up, and he did not need to feel better, he just needed to fall asleep.

Sometime before two in the morning he did eventually sleep, eyes darting behind their curtains and mind humming in vibrant activity. First he saw black, then gold, the red, then green, then blue, then every color in the universe, a chapel of art across the walls of his skull, weeping out of his ears and dribbling onto the cotton below his head.

It was not until he saw the continuous black again did he feel completely at ease however, until he knew for a fact he was close, gliding past worlds, into the hands of a familiar friend.

"Feliciano," his voice was warm honey that dripped into the pool of water Feliciano had dunked his feet in, infinite dreamscape vibrating around them, "I told you not to come back."

"I know, I'm sorry," Feliciano kicked a tidal wave into creation with his foot, the water swirling with his movements.

They were at a dock; a dock that stretched on for eternity, disappearing into the horizon of stars dabbled with brilliant fluorescents of light, illuminating his small, ageless face, reflecting pockets of diamond in his golden hair. The distance he kept between both of them disheartened the older boy, his lip crushed between his teeth.

"Are you mad at me?"

He let out an exasperated sigh, taking a seat next to Feliciano, his immature legs barely reaching to the water, "Of course not." The Italian began to smile despite himself, chin tucked tight into the crevice of his neck.

"That's good; I wouldn't want you to be mad at me."

"I could never be mad at you."

Feliciano twirled a small, dancing twinkle of light reflected on the water with his toe, slapping it when it sat unperturbed on top of the ripples, "Why?"

"Because you're perfect."

The sky was illuminated for a millisecond as a wandering fraction of star whizzed by, blinding the two and turning the landscape to an barren, white desert.

When it had passed Feliciano blinked the resplendent dots away, refocusing on the millions of brilliant bugs skimming across the water.

"You always say stuff like that…"

"Well, it's true," he turned to watch Feliciano, expecting a laugh, an answer, a sweet display of gratitude, but was met with pensive silence and an unmet gaze, "Feliciano, what's wrong?" The boy twisted his bare foot in the water, conjuring up pockets of ice cold and boiling hot, searing and freezing his skin all at once, leaving him with tiny beads of water dancing across his cheeks.

"It's getting harder to come here and see you, are you doing it?"

No one spoke, not even the gossiping stars once titillated with conversation above, or the water screaming with activity. No stray star fragments shot by, no distant nebula let off fumes of toxic gas, nothing even breathed, air held firmly in their inhuman chests.

It was true; Feliciano had not seen him in days, his sleep now filled with dull, blank rest instead of the shared laughter they exulted underneath the ethereal sky. He used to visit him every night, clutching his soft hand and feeling the way his chest rose and fell, trying to convince himself this was what was real, not the piercing morning sun that awaited him on the other end of the dream.

"You can't keep coming here anymore Feliciano, I'm sorry, I had to…" Felciano looked up, shocking him with the hurt expression, chin twitching in upset.

"Why? I'm so happy when I'm with you, don't you want to see my happy?"

"Of course I do, I want it more than anything Feliciano, God…" He turned to rest a miniature palm against Feliciano's face, raising goose bumps with his touch, eyes a stark reflection of the endless blue water below. "But I can't let you be happy with me, not anymore."

"Why? That's what makes me happy, it's all I want! Why can't I be with you? Why?" There was an expanding feeling of unrest as the once calm water began to slap against the wooden pillars, churning up violent bursts of color. A wind picked up and brushed past the curl on Feliciano's head, invading his nostril, assaulting his senses with a scent so devastatingly beautiful it hurt to even feel his heart beat.

"Because I'm dead."

Then the wind stopped and the waves stopped and the feeling of overpowered life crumbled with it, collapsing into a crushingly hollow sadness that rang about with Feliciano's cries.

"It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair…" Feliciano grabbed onto his hand, kissing the statue skin, feeling the cold against his tropical lips. He let him cry for a while, watching the lonely tears collect in the growing pool beneath them, slipping through the loose cracks in the wood, disappearing into the endless ocean. He could do nothing but watch, feel the depredation leaking from the other boy, feel the horrid defeat of being unable to save the one you love, having to watch them rust in front of your eyes.

"Feliciano, Feliciano I need you to listen to me," when the other would not look him in the eye, he seized his face, using all of his childlike strength to capture his gaze, "I am not the one you dream about anymore."

The crying halted and Feliciano sat coldly, tear clutching to his relaxed lip, "What do you mean?"

"You don't love me anymore," the reaction was violent, and Feliciano began to tremble again, whirlpools forming below.

"W-What are you talking about? I love you, I love you so much, please, I love you," he stopped Feliciano from splintering the contact and continued to kidnap his attention, disregarding the brilliance of the brightening lights all around.

"Think Feliciano, think very hard. Think about all of the time we have spent together here, in your dreams." So Feliciano thought, he thought unremittingly, running his fingers over the braille of their encounters, feeling every emotion with every ridge and valley. "Don't you see? It wasn't me at all."

"I don't understand…" But Feliciano understood, he understood the minute the hands against his face went from mouse like to stiff and calloused, taking up the whole compass of his cheek, cupping the now small totem easily. The boy slammed his eyes shut, breathing rapidly, so afraid of the voice now inches from him, smooth as marble and as strong as a steel bullet.

"You loved me, and I'm thankful for that, but it's not me anymore, it's him."

* * *

Feliciano awoke to the soft strum of his phone, passing in through his one ear and entangling his memory with the smell of early morning befuddlement. He slid the device to his ear, a soft greeting escaping his lips.

"Feliciano? Are you awake? I heard you were sick? You better not be pretending again, I had a new training exercise for us to try today… Never mind that, are you alright?" Ludwig's voice was divulging poorly restrained concern, his presence on the other end the final puzzle piece creating the scenic shattering of Feliciano's world.

"Yeah, I feel much better, thanks," his face was smiling, but his voice echoed tears as they tangled in his eyelashes, forcing him to sniffle the liquid away.

"Felciano, are you crying? What's going on?"

"Nothing, I just love you is all."

* * *

_Hello._

_I absolutely adore Lana, and one day I was just listening to this song and it all clicked that this fits so well with Feliciano and his situation with Holy Rome that I just had to write it. __I am a Ludwig = Holy Rome believer but I just did not feel the need to add that into this piece. I would have, if I felt it fit._

_I think, as time goes on anyways, Feliciano would slowly mix Holy Rome and Ludwig together, into this mixture of a man he loves but chooses to only see as Holy Rome, believing he is still keeping his promise to wait. He loves them both so much, and he is so guilty for it, he cannot see that Holy Rome would want him to be happy, would want him to fall in love with Ludwig and remember the times they had together, but enjoy the times he can create with a new love._

_Please review, favorite, and have a beautiful night._


End file.
